My Head Hurts / West Edmonton Mall

An invigorating day! Spent quite a bit of time in the water park with my family ('tis a family vacation after all.) First a wave hit me in the face, then a tube hit me in the face, next my head was squashed between two tubes one of which was in my face, then a small child fell off of his tube into my face, and finally a person, whom I could not determine the gender of, drove their tube over my head and drove the ground into my face.  Next all of us went down the tropical typhoon, *cough* toilet bowl *cough* and I hit the water face first as well. I have a bit of a headache now... in my face.

The West Edmonton mall is an interesting place, a huge mall with myriad stores, fountains, statues, a skating rink, a theme park, and a water park. The water park is a personal favorite, both because of my love of swimming and my general ambivalence towards shopping. My sister plans on one day bringing me with her on one of the rides in the amusement park, which I shall most likely submit to with little fuss, as I don't find them particularly daunting even if I'm not especially drawn to them.

I don't really like malls, there are too many people in them.

Jess

Cleaning Made Festive

Today I cleaned my van and what did I see?

A rubber duck on the dash!

Today I cleaned my van and what did I see?

Two overcoats

And a rubber duck on the dash!

Today I cleaned my van and what did I see?

Three textbooks

Two overcoats

And a rubber duck on the dash!

Today I cleaned my van and what did I see?

Four pairs of shoes

Three textbooks

Two overcoats

And a rubber duck on the dash!

Today I cleaned my van and what did I see?

A Nanaimo bar!

Four pairs of shoes

Three textbooks

Two overcoats

And a rubber duck on the dash!

Today I cleaned my van and what did I see?

Yogurt… probably

Nanaimo bar!

Four pairs of shoes

Three textbooks

Two overcoats

And a rubber duck on the dash!

Today I cleaned my van and what did I see?

 A bag of melted chocolates

Yogurt… probably

Nanaimo bar!

Four pairs of shoes

Three textbooks

Two overcoats

And a rubber duck on the dash!

Today I cleaned my van and what did I see?

One Can of strawberries

Bag of melted chocolates

Yogurt… probably

Nanaimo bar!

Four pairs of shoes

Three textbooks

Two overcoats

And a rubber duck on the dash!

Today I cleaned my van and what did I see?

Nine musical scores

Can of strawberries

Bag of melted chocolates

Yogurt… probably

Nanaimo bar!

Four pairs of shoes

Three textbooks

Two overcoats

And a rubber duck on the dash!

Today I cleaned my van and what did I see?

Ten rubber bands

Nine musical scores

Can of strawberries

Bag of melted chocolates

Yogurt… probably

Nanaimo bar!

Four pairs of shoes

Three textbooks

Two overcoats

And a rubber duck on the dash!

Today I cleaned my van and what did I see?

A Biography of Lincoln

Ten rubber bands

Nine musical scores

Can of strawberries

Bag of melted chocolates

Yogurt… probably

Nanaimo bar!

Four pairs of shoes

Three textbooks

Two overcoats

And a rubber duck on the dash!

Today I cleaned my van and what did I see?

Twelve pens and pencils

Biography of Lincoln

Ten rubber bands

Nine musical scores

Can of strawberries

Bag of melted chocolates

Yogurt… probably

Nanaimo bar!

Four pairs of shoes

Three textbooks

Two overcoats

And a rubber duck on the dash!

...I need help.

One day a man walked into a bug store. He went straight to the counter and said to the clerk, “I need a bug, a big bug. I don’t care about color, lifespan, or genus; all I care about is weight and wingspan. I need a big bug.”

The clerk thought for a moment before he responded. “Well, I don’t know exactly how big you have in mind; maybe you could give me an example.”

“Well,” Said the man, “Do you have any big moths? Like a Great Owlet, or a Hercules. A Swallowtail butterfly perhaps?”

“Hmmm... no, we don’t have any moths that big and we don’t have any butterflies at all right now, very popular you see.”

“Alright, do you have any long bugs?” Asked the man, “A stick bug, or praying mantis, I’ll take a large grasshopper if pressed.”

“Unfortunately sir,” Apologized the clerk, “We have no such bugs at all, and the grasshoppers have been exceptionally weedy this year.”

By now the man had become quite irritate; after all, no self-respecting bug store was ever so terribly under-stocked. “Well what do you have then? Dragonflies, mayflies, horseflies, at the very least you must have spiders!”

“Now sir, spiders aren’t insects, they’re arachnids!” Gasped the clerk, clearly scandalized.

“I don’t care what they are!” Growled the man, “I don’t care at all, just get me the biggest bug you have!”

“Oh, in that case we might have just the thing,” The clerk then reached under the counter and pulled out a box with two weevils in it, one was about the size of a man’s thumb and the other was the size of a child’s.

“Finally! Alright, I’ll take that one,” The man pointed directly at the smaller bug.

“But sir,” Said the confused clerk, “I thought you wanted a big bug, that one isn’t big at all.”

The man scoffed, “Don’t you know you always chose the lesser of two weevils?”

My mother and a few others recommended keeping a diary on my person and writing in it as a form of de-stressing. So earlier this month, I purchased a small notebook and I have began to write my thoughts in it. Looking back on my stream of conscious is rather amusing, so I thought I would share some highlights:

Found a note in the math lab, it contains a quote by someone named after spit.

-Saliva! xoxoxo

How heavy is my backpack anyway?

56.4 Lbs apparently.

"It's like hitting a horse, eventually you give up!"

Onward! To victory, ruin, and cucumber sandwiches!

I don't understand Theodore Roosevelt saying "It's da bomb," as used as advertisement for the college bar.

The crowd was a sea of murmurs and a half-dead trumpet played from the ceiling.

He's the guest lecturer, not the guest lecher.

Think tanks! Use anti-tank dogs!

I'm leaving, so I win!

Xenophobia, run!

The Secretary of Defense is a white elephant.

There's democracy in my shorts.

Pretty lights.

Rewind Moscow!

Congress says: La la la la!

Internally constant, but seriously flawed.

Save the whales!

America has lint.

Don't kill him, he owes me money.

Nice F-16, but where will we put it?

Don't panic until I tell you to!

Je ne comprend pas.

Je suis au nord-ouest.

Don't be sad plasticine people.

Bento Macaroni

I went deaf briefly, that was both odd and frightening.

Quoting dictators is a terrible way to make friends.

It is an easy enough thing to find someone who is relatively average; however, to find someone who is completely average in all possible aspects is, at the very least, statistically unlikely.

Diaphragm!

-Jess

January 5th is registration day at school, only next Monday now. While I wouldn't say that I am excited about this new semester, I am inordinately happy. True, there is no reason why I should not be happy, but all the same I have no doubt that few others would empathize with my feelings.

I've been researching heavily into bursaries during the holidays. My family is neither rich enough to afford my tuition, nor poor enough to warrant funding; so instead I am going to attempt to obtain the majority of necessary funding through awards. I have already entered into 11 different awards and I am attempting a 12th.

Wish me luck,

Jess

The other day when I was at the Farmer's Market, a little girl began to hold my hand. Her caretaker, a woman who was attempting to corral three other children sighed and said, "Don't hold stranger's hands!"

The girl looked up and me and asked, "What's your name?"

"Jessie," I answered.

She turned back to the woman, "Not a stranger any more!"

-J

The other day I was on Mystery Google, which is a great deal like regular Google in that you type in a search request and you are given pages that match the perimeters of the search. How it differs however, is what makes Mystery Google interesting: instead of getting the results for your search, you get the results of someone else's.

It was fairly interesting at first, typing in things like 'you've failed me for the last time', 'okapi' and 'Okie from Muskogee' and getting things like 'kilts' and 'adult sized onesies'. Then I got a phone number and a message that said 'Text for ur next mission.'

So I did.

From what I can tell this is not an uncommon occurrence, people put in their number and a message similar to the one I received and then wait for a response, they then text back a 'mission' for the replier to complete; such as dressing up like a ninja or serenading an acquaintance via phone.

While I find giving a stranger one's number dubious, leaving confusing lyrical messages on a Michigan teenager's phone is certainly an interesting waste of time.

-Jess